Self-Worth | CExperiences

#17 One Powerful Technique to deal with Frustration / Resentment / Anger

Coaching, Personal Development, Self-Worth / February 20, 2023 April 27, 2023

“A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret.”

You might be experiencing some changes in your life right now…

It might be a change in your relationship, a change in your friendship, a change in your career, a change in your financial situation, a change in your health, a change in your energy level, a change in your family, a change in your emotions, a change in border restrictions or social isolation that has disrupted everything you have planned for your life, work or traveling…

Whatever that is, you are not used to it, it feels different, you feel uncomfortable but don’t know what to do about it or may find other ways to avoid or suppress the feeling (e.g. drinking, emotional eating, smoking, shopping, addiction etc), you feel that you ‘should’ do something about it but feeling stuck, unmotivated and don’t know how to move on; you feel that other people ‘should’ understand you better and just simply follow what you expected them to do; you feel disappointed, frustrated or even feeling resentful about it.

Basically, the reality turned out painfully different from how you want it! Everything is messed up!

(Or you might say “EVERYTHING IS F@*ked UP!!!”)

I know… it was a painful experience and you want to get out of this trap desperately.

In the heat of the moment, keeping your temper or negative emotions in check can be challenging. you got frustrated with yourself and with others around you and it can take a toll on both your health and your relationships.

But paradoxically, the only way out is THROUGH.

HOW???

Cyndi, what do you mean?

The GOOD NEWS is that I have lots of practical tools, proven methods and effective techniques that I would love to share with you to help you deal with frustration, resentment, anger or any negative emotion in your life. I have seen the results in myself and in my clients and I genuinely want to help you as well!

You can simply get started with just 1 powerful technique!

Just one technique? Seriously?

YES! 1 POWERFUL TECHNIQUE you can learn and apply NOW is called “Find your P.A.T.H.” so you can RESPOND to the situation wisely instead of REACT to it unconsciously.

In the heat of the moment or when dealing with changes in life,

Find your P.A.T.H. (Pause, Accept, Think, Help)

Pause
“Come from a space of peace and you’ll find that you can deal with anything.” – Michael Singer
Just pause for a moment, take a few deep breaths in and focus on your breathing as you breathe in and out.
I know that you don’t want to say something you’ll later regret, so just take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.

CExperiences Practical Exercise: Daily Meditation
Listen to my Guided Meditation “Body Scan Mindfulness Mediation” or “Loving Kindness Meditation” to practice finding your inner peace.

Accept
“Change is never painful, only the resistance to change is painful.” – Buddha
Accept that change is normal and inevitable in life, but it’s only temporary. The feeling you’re experiencing now will pass. It’s a normal body reaction. There are no good emotions or bad emotions, they are there for a reason.
But life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it. So instead of dwelling on the things that you can not change, ask yourself this 1 important question “Is this in my control or out of my control?”
If it’s in your control, what can you do about it?
If it’s out of your control, learn to accept it. Just flow with it, be patient, and be grateful for what you have. Better days are on the way.

CExperiences Practical Exercise: Daily Gratitude

Every morning after you wake up, think of 3 things you’re grateful for in your life or at work.
When facing changes/challenges during the day, think of 3 things you’re grateful for at that moment. When you’re grateful for what you have, you have everything you need.
Before going to bed at night, think of 3 things you’re grateful for for the day. You can say them aloud to yourself, express with gratitude with your loved ones or write them down on your journal.

More Gratitude Practice Exercises – Access here.

Think
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” – William Shakespear
•   What’s happening?
•   What am I reacting to?
•   What am I thinking and feeling?
•   What are the words that my mind is saying?
•   Is this a fact or opinion?
•   What’s the bigger picture?
•   Is there another way of looking at it?
•   What would someone else see and make of it?

CExperiences Practical Exercise: Daily Self-Worth Exercise

Take 1 daily Self-Worth Building Exercise to learn how to look at things or situation from a fresh and different perspective, how to have growth and adaptive mindset, learn more tips, techniques and strategies from Cyndi so you can keep building those self-worth synapses in your brain to increase your self-worth and critical thinking skills.
More Self-Worth Exercises – Access here.

Help
“We know you’re strong, but it’s okay to ask for help. Accepting help is its own kind of strength.”
• What is best thing to do right now?
• Best for me, for others, for the situation?
• What resources can I draw on and what else do I need?
• Who can I reach out to and ask for help?

CExperiences Practical Exercise: Write down your HELP list and CONTACT List

If You Are Having Trouble Thinking Of Ways To Help Yourself, Try One (Or A Few) From This List:

Address Your Basic Needs
•   Drink a glass of water.
•   Take a nap.
•   Take a shower or bath.
•   Eat a healthy snack.
• Have enough sleep.

Process Feelings
•   Journaling.
• Draw/Paint how you’re feeling.
•   Make a gratitude list.
•   Punch a pillow.
•   Let yourself cry.

Mood Boosters
•   Read the story of someone you admire
•   Watch a funny YouTube video
•   Get active – go out for a walk, run, dance or just move your body the way you like it!
•   Play with an animal
•   Watch a movie you loved when you were younger
•   Reorganize your room
•   Make a list of places you want to travel

Problem Solving
• Make a list of solutions to problems – it can help to brainstorm with a friend of family member.
• Make a list of your strengths.

Volunteering/Acts of Kindness
•   Do something nice for someone you know.
•   Help a stranger.
•   Volunteer your time.

Ask for Help
•   Text a friend.
•   Ask someone to just sit with you.
•   Call a family member or a friend.
•   Talk to someone you trust.
• Join like-minded groups and connect with positive supportive people (You can Follow our ‘CExperiences’ Facebook page, Instagram, Meetup and join our FB private group ‘CExperiences Tribe’ )
•   Seek Professional Help. Ask Cyndi and see how she can help you.

Next time, when you’re feeling frustrated, angry, resentful or experiencing any negative emotions, how do you RESPOND to it?

Find your P.A.T.H.!

If you like this “Find your P.A.T.H. (Pause, Accept, Think, Help)” Technique and want to find out more, take the CExperiences Self-Worth Accelerator Online Course to learn anywhere, anytime NOW!

Have questions?

Book a chat or Email me to see how I can help you.

Cyndi Liang is the certified Results Coach and qualified NLP Practioner, she offers 1-1 coaching, group coaching, workshops, online courses and also lots of practical tools, effective techniques and strategies to help you create FAST and LASTING RESULTS.

“No matter what you want to achieve, it’s a well-known fact that you’ll always get there faster with support.”

Reach out anytime, anywhere. We’re here for you!

Book a call with Cyndi NOW.

#16 How to Set Boundaries without Guilt

Coaching, Self-Worth / January 30, 2023 April 27, 2023

Raise your hand if you struggle with setting boundaries or enforcing them?

Do you have a hard time standing up for yourself?
Do you keep agreeing to do things that you really don’t want to do?
Do you tolerate rude comments or pushy people because you can’t handle conflict?

Umm….Still not sure?

Here are some signs that your boundaries need adjusting:

Feel unable to say no
Feel responsible for others’ emotions
Concerned about what others think to the point of discounting your own thoughts, opinions and intuition
Your energy is so drained by something that you neglect your own needs (including the need for food, rest, etc.)
People-pleasing
Avoiding intimate relationships
Inability to make decisions
Believe your happiness depends on others
Take care of others’ needs, but not your own
Others’ opinions are more important than your own
Have difficulty asking for what you want or need
Go along with others vs. with what you want
Feel anxious or afraid
Not sure what you really feel
Take on moods or emotions of others around you
Overly sensitive to criticism

I get it…i mean, it’s draining to constantly put everyone else in front of your own needs selflessly.

And when you give so much…it just makes you feel so resentful because you’re not validated, not appreciated and couldn’t tell others when you need or want.

But let’s face it… it’s not their fault! It’s yours, because you don’t have boundaries…

And do you know what the sad truth is?

NO BOUNDARIES = LOW SELF-ESTEEM

BUT the GOOD NEWS is:

You just need to know how to UNLOCK Your SELF-WORTH, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF and LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD!

“To set healthy boundaries with others, you must be able to set them with yours” – Cyndi Liang

Knowing how to set boundaries is a lifetime SKILL that needs to be learned, applied and adjusted.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits.

Why is it important to Set Boundaries?

A lack of boundaries is like leaving the door to your home unlocked: anyone, including unwelcome guests, can enter at will. On the other hand, having too rigid boundaries can lead to isolation, like living in a locked-up castle surrounded by a mote. No one can get in, and you can’t get out.

Emotional pain: guilt, resentment, dependency, depression, anxiety,
Physical pain: stress-induced physical illness
Loss of respect from self and others
Loss of control of the direction of your life
Increased chaos, distractions.
Loss of interest in life.

Creating healthy boundaries is empowering, they help you:

Define Your Identity
Protect Yourself from the control of others
Express your true self and protect your self-esteem
Have more respect from others and maintain self-respect

Build healthy relationships and a life with love and freedom.

Different Types of Boundaries

Physical Boundaries (you are entitled to your space, however wide it may be, as are others)
Intellectual Boundaries (you are entitled to your own thoughts, opinions and ideas, as are others)
Emotional Boundaries (you are entitled to your own feelings to a given situation, as are others)
Social Boundaries (you are entitled to your own friends and to pursuing your own social activities, as are others)
Spiritual Boundaries (you are entitled to your own spiritual beliefs, as are others)
Time Boundaries (you are entitled to your own time, as are others)

Are your boundaries Rigid, Porous or Healthy?

A person who always keep others at a distance (weather emotionally, physically, or otherwise) is said to have rigid boundaries. Alternatively, someone who tends to get too involved with others have porous boundaries.

HOW TO SET HEALHTY BOUNDARIES WITHOUT GUILT?

STEP 1: DEFINE YOUR DESIRED BOUNDARIES

Tip 1. Ask what are your rights and needs?

Exercise: Completing the following 3 sentence with at least 10 examples.

1. WRITE YOUR “NO” LIST

People may not ___________________.

For example:

Go though my personal belongings
Criticize me
Make comments about my weight
Take their anger out on me
Humiliate me in front of others
Invade my personal space
…….

2. WRITE YOUR “YES” LIST

I have a right to ask for ___________________.

For example:

Privacy
A new hairstyle from an old stylist
Help around the house
More info before making a purchase
Quiet time to myself
Personal space
…….

3. WRITE YOUR “SELF-LOVE” LIST

To protect my time and energy, it’s OK to _________________.

For example:

Take my time returning calls or e-mails
Change my mind
Cancel a commitment when I’m not feeling well
Be treated with respect
Make my needs as important as others
Not meeting other’s unreasonable expectations of me
Say no without feeling guilty
……

Tip 2. Follow your gut.

Your instincts can help you determine when someone is violating your boundaries or when you need to set one up.

Check in with your body (heart rate, sweating, tightness in chest, stomach, throat) and feeling (e.g. frustration, anger, anxious, resentful) to tell you what you can handle and where the boundary should be drawn.

For example, maybe you clench your fists when your partner used your laptop without asking for your permission. Or you tighten your jaw when your relatives ask about your dating life.

Tip 3. Determine your values.

Who are you? What do you value? Once you get clear on what matters most to you, then you can take the bigger step of communicating this to others. Instead of creating your boundaries around a difficult relationship in your life, you must make your boundaries about you.

Use the CExperiences “5 Steps to Discover Your Core Values” Worksheet to determine your values.

STEP 2: COMMUNICATE YOUR BOUNDARIES

Tip 1. Be assertive

You can be assertive by using “I statements.”

I feel ____ when _____ because ______________________________.

What I need is _________________________________________________.

Tip 2. Learn to say no

You can say no without an explanation and without providing any emotional labor to the person you’re saying it to. You can start with a simple “No thanks”, don’t debate, defend or over-explain.

Tip 3. Safeguard your spaces

You can also set boundaries for your stuff, physical and emotional spaces, and your time and energy without necessarily announcing it, too.

3 Questions to Ask Yourself to strengthen your invisible shield

How much of this is true about me?
How much of this is about the other person?
What do I need to do (if anything) to regain my personal power or stand up for myself?

Tip 4. Get support

If you’re experiencing challenges with setting or asserting boundaries, or if someone is causing you difficulty by crossing them, never hesitate to reach out to professionals, other family member or friends for support.

Cyndi Liang is the founder, Certified Coach & Qualified NLP Practitioner at CExperiences.

If you need help with improving your communication skills, conflict management skills or strengthening your boundaries, contact Cyndi to see how she can help you!

STEP 3: STAY SIMPLE

It might be daunting to communicate your boundaries and stand up for yourself at the beginning, but you can start with something simple to boost your confidence, increase your self-esteem and cultivate self-respect.

The boundary being crossed is ____________________________________________.

The action I will take is __________________________________________________.

A list of boundaries to start with:

☐ Say no – to tasks you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do.

☐ A Simple “No thanks”, don’t debate, defend or over-explain.

☐ Be direct, firm and gracious.

☐ Say thank you with no apology, regret or shame.

☐ Ask for help.

☐ Delegate tasks.

☐ Protect your time – don’t overcommit.

☐ Ask for space – we all need our own time.

☐ Speak up if you feel uncomfortable with how someone is treating you or your needs are being infringed upon.

☐ Honour what is important to you by choosing to put yourself first.

☐ Drop the guilt and responsibility for others.

☐ Share personal information gradually and in a mutual way (give and take).

STEP 4: SET CONSEQUENCE

Why is it important to you to maintain this boundary?

Your Time
Your Emotions
Your Energy
Your Values
Other reason: ___________________.

Create your own Personal Mantra as self-affirmation:

I set boundaries to ____________________________________________.

e.g. “I set boundaries to feel safe.”

“Setting boundaries is an act of self-love.”

What to do when facing boundary challenges?

The challenge that you’re facing now:

“I want to_________________, but________________.”

For example:

☐ Feel guilty or anxious

☐ Feel selfish (you don’t feel you have right)

☐ Feel embarrassed

☐ Fear of being ignored

☐ Fear of rejection

☐ Fear of abandonment or loss of love

☐ Fear of confrontation

☐ Fear of insecurity

☐ Dependant on others

☐ Childhood experiences

☐ Cultural conditioning

☐ Lack of self-awareness

☐ Lack of knowledge, skill, practice or experience

If you’re experiencing challenges with setting or asserting boundaries, or if someone is causing you difficulty by crossing them, never hesitate to reach out and seek professional assistance.

Also, defining and asserting your boundaries can get even trickier if you or a loved one lives with mental illness, depression, anxiety, or a history of trauma.

If you need help with the above or want to improve your communication skills, conflict management skills or to strengthen your boundaries, contact Cyndi to see how she can help you!

Cyndi is the Founder, Certified Coach & Qualified NLP Practitioner at CExperiences.

Cyndi’s coaching vision is to guide, support, challenge and empower you to grow by analysing your current situation, identifying limiting beliefs and other potential challenges and obstacles you face, offering you a fresh and different perspective, and devising a custom plan of action designed to help you achieve specific outcomes in your life.

“5-Stage” Model to Increase Your SELF-WORTH

#15 Ten Things Men Do that Kill their Self Esteem

Coaching, Self-Worth / January 3, 2023 April 27, 2023

Is this you?

You would rather talk about anything other than how you feel. It’s not that you don’t want to – I know you do. But our society is such that guys are taught “real men” don’t talk about self-worth.

One of the most common reasons men seek out self-worth coaching with me is to gain help with improving their self-esteem so they can become more confident, being able to understand and express their emotions and feelings.

What is self-esteem?

At its core, self-esteem is an emotional evaluation of a person’s self-worth. It’s how a guy views, thinks and feels about himself. This evaluation usually occurs by comparing oneself to others, including peers, family members, and friends.

Men’s self-esteem 10 killers:

(Some of these may seem obvious. Others may cause you to pause and think. I encourage you to read them all in context with your own life.)

1. Buying into toxic masculinity
Whenever you program your mind into believing that men “must” behave a certain way, you literally place a chokehold on your self-worth.

Examples include:

Believing guys shouldn’t talk about how they feel.
Thinking that you aren’t a man because you experience periods of self-doubt.
Assuming that real men don’t experience sadness, shame, and depression.

2. Relying on alcohol has a social lubricant

Examples include:

Depending upon alcohol to interact with friends.
Needing to down a few shots before going out on dates.
Regularly drinking alcohol before bedroom activities.

3. Clamming up when it comes to how you feel
Examples include:

Experiencing a major loss and pretending it doesn’t affect you.
Minimising past hurts, such as physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse.
Always using humor as a shield against what’s going on deep inside.

4. Playing negative mental tapes

Examples include:

“I’ve always sucked at interviewing. Why will things be any different this time around?”
“Who would want to be with me – I’ve got nothing to offer.”
“I hate myself because (fill in the blank).

5. Unchecked body image issues
Examples include:

Not going to the gym because we think we’re “too fat” to be around a bunch of bodybuilders.
Thinking that to be a man, you’ve got to have a six-pack and giant guns.
Unfairly comparing your physique to other guys who have completely body types.

6. Denying mental health issues
Examples include:

Not seeking help for depression because “guys don’t do that”.
Pretending your anxiety isn’t real and that you can magically handle it.
Equating mental health issues with a “sickness”.

7. Learned helplessness
Examples include:

Not doing cardio because, in the past, it didn’t generate results. You believe this even though you previously only gave it a half-hearted effort.
Not acquiring new skills in a given area because, in the past, you’ve experienced failure.
Never trying anything new because you’ve already determined you suck at it – based on some event from your past.

8. Isolating

I’m talking about avoiding others because you don’t want people to see how crappy you feel.

Ongoing isolation can lead to (or worsen) depression. When you throw in point number 4 from above, it doesn’t take long to see how self-esteem ends up in the toilette.

9. Addiction

Abuse happens when you rely on marijuana to get through the day. Addiction occurs when you can’t function without taking a toke.

If you are abusing drug to interact or escape from serious mental pain, you are killing your self-esteem.

10. Blaming others

If you struggle with your self-worth, it’s easy to blame others for the crappy things that have happened in your life.
Here’s the real deal – blaming will only get you so far.
I agree. This isn’t easy and may require that you engage in various self-worth sessions to truly accept yourself and others.

If you are engaging in any of the behaviors described above, it’s likely damaging your ego; the middleman who lives in your heart and mirrors out what’s locked inside.

I have had clients who reached out to me to help them improve their self-esteem, to learn how to open up and to be a more confident man; and they wished they had known all the techniques, strategies, skills and mindset that I shared with them earlier.

Need 1-on-1 Support?

I’m Cyndi Liang, qualified NLP Practitioner and Self-Worth Coach at CExperiences. I can help you unlock your self-worth, reduce stress and anxiety, release emotional blockages, live a balanced life with love, joy, courage, financial freedom and fulfillment.

For a limited time, I’m offering a FREE 30-min 1-1 self-worth session.
Book it now to secure your FREE spot and start building your self-worth now!

#14 Self-Worth and The Courage to Pause

Coaching, Perspective, Self-Worth / December 13, 2022 April 27, 2023

“We’re a culture of people who have bought into the idea that if we stay busy enough, the truth of our lives won’t catch up with us” – Brené Brown

Ooops! I did it again…

I had a long to-do list in front of me, and writing to you is one of them, although I planned to do it last week among many other things…

Not sure if you’re feeling the same (let me know if you are). I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately. I was feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed and had lots of resistance and guilt coming up to me, even though I want to do more and help more people.

I spoke to a friend whom I am very grateful for questioning me at that time “Cyndi, why are doing this to yourself?” followed by “Why do you have to do it now, why can’t you take a break and do it later? You can’t take care of others if you can’t take care of yourself!”

“This hurts!” But so true!

Busyness hurts, and so does realising we are caught up in it. But let’s face it – That is a culture that has raised us to believe that our worth is in how much we achieve and how much we do.

We live in a fast-pace and very achievement oriented society that has us tapped into a system that is all externally referenced. We’re taught to look outside ourselves and compare with others to see if we’re doing okay. And all the systems outside of us are organised according to what degrees do you have, how much money do you have in the bank, what kind of achievements have you racked up? And so most of us have this internal programming that is, if I’m not striving to do more, if I’m not achieving enough than therefore I’m not valuable, if I’m not working, then I’m wasting time and I would feel guilty about it. And that really doesn’t serve us because it has most people overworking. And it generates a constant underlying feeling of not being enough, which is pretty devastating to the way we feel about ourselves and the way we live our life.

But do you know that Your worth is based on who you are, not based on how much you do?

Do you know that rest, self-care, good sleep and healthy lifestyle are also very important? When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.

Have you heard of the 80/20 Rule that says that 80% of our results are caused by 20% of our actions? Sometimes less is more, we can work smarter, not harder.

SO HOW DO YOU FIND SELF-WORTH AND THE COURAGE TO PAUSE?

After taking a nice relaxing break to rest and recharge in the last few days, I’m feeling much better, energised and motivated with joy and inner peace, and I’m actually singing along as I’m writing to you now. =)

I want to share with you some coping strategies that I use so that you can also practice self-care, self-acceptance, self-compassion and develop “self-worth muscle”.

1. Focus on your Breathing
Take a “purposeful pause” of just a few minutes, focus on your breath, body and mind.
How is your breathing right now? How does your body feel? Are there any tensions anywhere? What are your thoughts and feelings and what is your attitude towards them?

You do not need to change anything, it is not at all a question of feeling better or different, but simply of being aware and observe your thoughts and feelings passing in front of you, accept them all in a non-judgmental way.

2. Daily Routine to Practice Mindfulness
Finding one or more routine moments in your daily lives to “be all here”, using a playful, experiential approach, like:

Drinking your first tea/coffee in the morning, paying attention to its preparation, the aroma, the sensations on the hands holding the cup and the ones linked to the taste; the lingering flavour in the mouth, the sipping process;
Opening your front door on the way to work, or the office door on the way in (focusing on body movements, then zooming in to the hand, the sensations on the skin, and widening to any feelings, thoughts or even sounds);
Walking on the street, paying attention to the sensations under our feet, the pace, the surrounding environment.

3. Digital Detox with ‘54321’
Put your digital devices away and get back to nature (e.g. cloud spotting, walk to a park, water your plants, stargazing…etc)

5. Look for 5 things you can see
4. Feel 4 things you can touch
3. Listen for 3 sounds
2. Smell 2 things in front of you
1. Taste 1 of these things.

Take a deep breath in and enjoy being in the present moment. Life is full of abundance!
All of these suggestions ultimately help you remember to take care of yourselves, simply recognising that you are worth it.

Yet this is only possible if, on one hand, you are able to foster a friendly, caring attitude towards yourselves, for example by asking yourselves a few times a day what it is that you really need right now; and on the other, if you are willing to find the courage to pause, to have a short break, a few seconds of silence – sometimes even just a breath.

You are allowed! You’re already 100% worthy…

Much love,
Cyndi

Need 1-on-1 Support?

For a limited time, I’m offering a FREE 30-min 1-1 self-worth session.
Book it now to secure your FREE spot and start building your self-worth now!