#15 Ten Things Men Do that Kill their Self Esteem

Is this you?

You would rather talk about anything other than how you feel. It’s not that you don’t want to – I know you do. But our society is such that guys are taught “real men” don’t talk about self-worth.

One of the most common reasons men seek out self-worth coaching with me is to gain help with improving their self-esteem so they can become more confident, being able to understand and express their emotions and feelings. 

What is self-esteem?

At its core, self-esteem is an emotional evaluation of a person’s self-worth. It’s how a guy views, thinks and feels about himself. This evaluation usually occurs by comparing oneself to others, including peers, family members, and friends.

Men’s self-esteem 10 killers:

(Some of these may seem obvious. Others may cause you to pause and think. I encourage you to read them all in context with your own life.)

1. Buying into toxic masculinity
Whenever you program your mind into believing that men “must” behave a certain way, you literally place a chokehold on your self-worth.

Examples include:

• Believing guys shouldn’t talk about how they feel.
• Thinking that you aren’t a man because you experience periods of self-doubt.
• Assuming that real men don’t experience sadness, shame, and depression.

2. Relying on alcohol has a social lubricant

Examples include:

• Depending upon alcohol to interact with friends.
• Needing to down a few shots before going out on dates.
• Regularly drinking alcohol before bedroom activities.

3. Clamming up when it comes to how you feel
Examples include:

• Experiencing a major loss and pretending it doesn’t affect you.
• Minimising past hurts, such as physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse.
• Always using humor as a shield against what’s going on deep inside.

4. Playing negative mental tapes

Examples include:

• “I’ve always sucked at interviewing. Why will things be any different this time around?”
• “Who would want to be with me – I’ve got nothing to offer.”
• “I hate myself because (fill in the blank).

5. Unchecked body image issues
Examples include:

• Not going to the gym because we think we’re “too fat” to be around a bunch of bodybuilders.
• Thinking that to be a man, you’ve got to have a six-pack and giant guns.
• Unfairly comparing your physique to other guys who have completely body types.

6. Denying mental health issues
Examples include:

• Not seeking help for depression because “guys don’t do that”.
• Pretending your anxiety isn’t real and that you can magically handle it.
• Equating mental health issues with a “sickness”.

7. Learned helplessness
Examples include:

• Not doing cardio because, in the past, it didn’t generate results. You believe this even though you previously only gave it a half-hearted effort.
• Not acquiring new skills in a given area because, in the past, you’ve experienced failure.
• Never trying anything new because you’ve already determined you suck at it – based on some event from your past.

8. Isolating

I’m talking about avoiding others because you don’t want people to see how crappy you feel.

Ongoing isolation can lead to (or worsen) depression. When you throw in point number 4 from above, it doesn’t take long to see how self-esteem ends up in the toilette.

9. Addiction

Abuse happens when you rely on marijuana to get through the day. Addiction occurs when you can’t function without taking a toke. 

If you are abusing drug to interact or escape from serious mental pain, you are killing your self-esteem.

10. Blaming others 

If you struggle with your self-worth, it’s easy to blame others for the crappy things that have happened in your life.
Here’s the real deal – blaming will only get you so far.
I agree. This isn’t easy and may require that you engage in various self-worth sessions to truly accept yourself and others.

If you are engaging in any of the behaviors described above, it’s likely damaging your ego; the middleman who lives in your heart and mirrors out what’s locked inside.

I have had clients who reached out to me to help them improve their self-esteem, to learn how to open up and to be a more confident man; and they wished they had known all the techniques, strategies, skills and mindset that I shared with them earlier.